first snow

November 21, 2007 at 1:21 am (outdoors, poetry)
Tags: , , , ,

I haven’t written much poetry in my life, and am usually intimidated by it. But yesterday I’d gone for a walk during my lunch break, and it was so gorgeous outside. Then later, as I was driving home, I was just awed by how incredibly beautiful everything was, and I wanted to write about it, but didn’t feel prose was appropriate. So I threw this together in my head….

Shadows and crystals
A mystical dance among
Sparkling sun rays
And contemplative clouds.

Now illuminating
Skeletons of white
On lean aspen
Against the fully frosted
Dark spruce.

Air seems to hover
Holding weight
And the excitement of frost
All around there is
Energy in the atmosphere.

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I can love that.

November 17, 2007 at 10:22 pm (dreams, future, life, questions, spirituality, thoughts)

It’s been so long wince I’ve had time to write. So long since I’ve been able to pause enough to let my mind relax and feel free.

Right now, I’m back to how I like things. Sitting in my room, surrounded by my maps and pictures, reminding me that I have, and that I will again, fly. The light is low and soft; I have candles lit and they’re beautiful. My music is on ~ currently “Shine On” from All the Lost Souls by James Blunt. I never expected to enjoy this album so much. My wonderful dog, Mick, is laying next to me feet…. I missed him last night. Anyways, I finally feel calm and at rest. (For this short amount of time, I’m willfully and happily ignoring the fact that there’s so much work to get done…)

It’s been a weird weekend. Beyond that though, I think it was good for me to be removed from everything out here. Even for just 24 hours – I realized that I haven’t spent that much time outside of Kenny Lake since the beginning of August. I also realized that I should take a step back and analyze my life a little more often. Why I do what I do. It’s quite simple to never look at that, and to always be doing.

I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, if I’m doing what I really love. There are some things nonexistent in my life now that I want. Some things I miss so much. Some things that I just want to experience. There are some things about my life now that drive me crazy.

But I love the kids. Oh I love the kids so much. Whatever it is missing, I know that my life is worth it right now because I’m with these kids. If I do nothing else, if I can love one little girl who feels alone and not cared for, then my life is worth it. I can love.

So often I encounter frustration because my dreams seem so disparate. So much that at least 90% of the time, I think that I don’t know what my dreams are.
Because they don’t seem to fit together.
And that doesn’t seem quite right.
It definitely doesn’t feel very comfortable.

I can find peace though, in knowing that God made me to care and love. Knowing that is my calling, as vague and open as it is, is very comforting. I have no idea what that calling will look like one year from now. Part of my strongly hopes that it will look very different then it does now. Another part of me remains steadfast in saying I will still be satisfied here, if God wants me to stay longer. Whatever happens, even though I know I want more, I also know that right now I am living my calling. I am loving, and giving as much as I can. Right now my life is for the kids. And I can love that.

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morning joy

November 6, 2007 at 8:57 am (life, outdoors, quotes, thoughts, worship)

Ahhh, it’s a beautiful morning.

The sky is that gorgeous changing blue, and the mountains exist in a dark outline interupting the graduated blue shades. There’s a sliver of a crescent moon and one blinking star leftover from the thousands sprinkled above me when I took Amy to practice at 6:00 AM. Everything is beautiful and calm and clear. I could almost skip work today just to be outside and breathe. However, I’m in a position right now with too many people relying on me for too many variables and too many responsibilities…. So I’ll be at school. There’s also the fact that it’s only 15-20 degrees out, but really, that’s not much of a deterent for early November.

Yesterday I found this wonderful saying from Zimbabwe ~ “If you can walk, you can dance. If you can talk, you can sing.” That’s how I want to live everyday, being always absolutely entirely full of passionate joy and love. I’m convinced that taking a couple minutes to just stare out my window and drink in the glorious beauty surrounding me makes that style of living entirely natural. This is a wonderful way to start today.

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questions

November 4, 2007 at 11:50 pm (quotes)

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions!” – Rainer Maria Rilke

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“how do you have hope?”

November 3, 2007 at 8:33 am (friends, life, outdoors, spirituality, thoughts)

One night a couple weeks ago, my younger sister Amy looked at me with a sad expression, and asked “how do you have hope?”. The question hit me deep inside, because I can remember back to this time last year, where hope was an abstract and evasive concept, but one that I was determined to hold onto until I felt its reality. If someone had asked me this question last year, I would simply have broke down crying.

Instead, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. As I let it out, I sighed, “sometimes it’s so hard…” After a pause, I continued, “But I find hope in a beautiful kid’s smile. A kid that comes from a broken and hurting past, but a smile that says they can be different. I find hope in knowing that I can love this kid, that I can do my small part in helping them change their world and take hold of their own future… I find hope when I’m outside. When I’m eveloped in nature and it’s perfect: I know that this is how the world is intended to be. I find hope in the peace and the glory of it all, because it shows me that there is a God, and that if He cares enough to create all of this just for the sake of beauty, then He certainly cares about creating beauty through all of the pain we encounter. I find hope in knowing that God is eternal, and that He has created me to be eternal… That there is more than, and there is a purpose for, everything we deal with.”

I took another deep breath and smiled quietly, “that’s how I have hope.”

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