hopeful journey

It’s been so long wince I’ve had time to write. So long since I’ve been able to pause enough to let my mind relax and feel free.

Right now, I’m back to how I like things. Sitting in my room, surrounded by my maps and pictures, reminding me that I have, and that I will again, fly. The light is low and soft; I have candles lit and they’re beautiful. My music is on ~ currently “Shine On” from All the Lost Souls by James Blunt. I never expected to enjoy this album so much. My wonderful dog, Mick, is laying next to me feet…. I missed him last night. Anyways, I finally feel calm and at rest. (For this short amount of time, I’m willfully and happily ignoring the fact that there’s so much work to get done…)

It’s been a weird weekend. Beyond that though, I think it was good for me to be removed from everything out here. Even for just 24 hours – I realized that I haven’t spent that much time outside of Kenny Lake since the beginning of August. I also realized that I should take a step back and analyze my life a little more often. Why I do what I do. It’s quite simple to never look at that, and to always be doing.

I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, if I’m doing what I really love. There are some things nonexistent in my life now that I want. Some things I miss so much. Some things that I just want to experience. There are some things about my life now that drive me crazy.

But I love the kids. Oh I love the kids so much. Whatever it is missing, I know that my life is worth it right now because I’m with these kids. If I do nothing else, if I can love one little girl who feels alone and not cared for, then my life is worth it. I can love.

So often I encounter frustration because my dreams seem so disparate. So much that at least 90% of the time, I think that I don’t know what my dreams are.
Because they don’t seem to fit together.
And that doesn’t seem quite right.
It definitely doesn’t feel very comfortable.

I can find peace though, in knowing that God made me to care and love. Knowing that is my calling, as vague and open as it is, is very comforting. I have no idea what that calling will look like one year from now. Part of my strongly hopes that it will look very different then it does now. Another part of me remains steadfast in saying I will still be satisfied here, if God wants me to stay longer. Whatever happens, even though I know I want more, I also know that right now I am living my calling. I am loving, and giving as much as I can. Right now my life is for the kids. And I can love that.