hopeful journey

first snow

alaskabeck — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 09:21:07 +0000

I haven’t written much poetry in my life, and am usually intimidated by it. But yesterday I’d gone for a walk during my lunch break, and it was so gorgeous outside. Then later, as I was driving home, I was just awed by how incredibly beautiful everything was, and I wanted to write about it, but didn’t feel prose was appropriate. So I threw this together in my head….

Shadows and crystals
A mystical dance among
Sparkling sun rays
And contemplative clouds.

Now illuminating
Skeletons of white
On lean aspen
Against the fully frosted
Dark spruce.

Air seems to hover
Holding weight
And the excitement of frost
All around there is
Energy in the atmosphere.

I can love that.

alaskabeck — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 06:22:18 +0000

It’s been so long wince I’ve had time to write. So long since I’ve been able to pause enough to let my mind relax and feel free.

Right now, I’m back to how I like things. Sitting in my room, surrounded by my maps and pictures, reminding me that I have, and that I will again, fly. The light is low and soft; I have candles lit and they’re beautiful. My music is on ~ currently “Shine On” from All the Lost Souls by James Blunt. I never expected to enjoy this album so much. My wonderful dog, Mick, is laying next to me feet…. I missed him last night. Anyways, I finally feel calm and at rest. (For this short amount of time, I’m willfully and happily ignoring the fact that there’s so much work to get done…)

It’s been a weird weekend. Beyond that though, I think it was good for me to be removed from everything out here. Even for just 24 hours – I realized that I haven’t spent that much time outside of Kenny Lake since the beginning of August. I also realized that I should take a step back and analyze my life a little more often. Why I do what I do. It’s quite simple to never look at that, and to always be doing.

I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, if I’m doing what I really love. There are some things nonexistent in my life now that I want. Some things I miss so much. Some things that I just want to experience. There are some things about my life now that drive me crazy.

But I love the kids. Oh I love the kids so much. Whatever it is missing, I know that my life is worth it right now because I’m with these kids. If I do nothing else, if I can love one little girl who feels alone and not cared for, then my life is worth it. I can love.

So often I encounter frustration because my dreams seem so disparate. So much that at least 90% of the time, I think that I don’t know what my dreams are.
Because they don’t seem to fit together.
And that doesn’t seem quite right.
It definitely doesn’t feel very comfortable.

I can find peace though, in knowing that God made me to care and love. Knowing that is my calling, as vague and open as it is, is very comforting. I have no idea what that calling will look like one year from now. Part of my strongly hopes that it will look very different then it does now. Another part of me remains steadfast in saying I will still be satisfied here, if God wants me to stay longer. Whatever happens, even though I know I want more, I also know that right now I am living my calling. I am loving, and giving as much as I can. Right now my life is for the kids. And I can love that.

morning joy

alaskabeck — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 16:57:58 +0000

Ahhh, it’s a beautiful morning.

The sky is that gorgeous changing blue, and the mountains exist in a dark outline interupting the graduated blue shades. There’s a sliver of a crescent moon and one blinking star leftover from the thousands sprinkled above me when I took Amy to practice at 6:00 AM. Everything is beautiful and calm and clear. I could almost skip work today just to be outside and breathe. However, I’m in a position right now with too many people relying on me for too many variables and too many responsibilities…. So I’ll be at school. There’s also the fact that it’s only 15-20 degrees out, but really, that’s not much of a deterent for early November.

Yesterday I found this wonderful saying from Zimbabwe ~ “If you can walk, you can dance. If you can talk, you can sing.” That’s how I want to live everyday, being always absolutely entirely full of passionate joy and love. I’m convinced that taking a couple minutes to just stare out my window and drink in the glorious beauty surrounding me makes that style of living entirely natural. This is a wonderful way to start today.

questions

alaskabeck — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 07:50:14 +0000

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions!” – Rainer Maria Rilke

“how do you have hope?”

alaskabeck — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 16:33:09 +0000

One night a couple weeks ago, my younger sister Amy looked at me with a sad expression, and asked “how do you have hope?”. The question hit me deep inside, because I can remember back to this time last year, where hope was an abstract and evasive concept, but one that I was determined to hold onto until I felt its reality. If someone had asked me this question last year, I would simply have broke down crying.

Instead, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. As I let it out, I sighed, “sometimes it’s so hard…” After a pause, I continued, “But I find hope in a beautiful kid’s smile. A kid that comes from a broken and hurting past, but a smile that says they can be different. I find hope in knowing that I can love this kid, that I can do my small part in helping them change their world and take hold of their own future… I find hope when I’m outside. When I’m eveloped in nature and it’s perfect: I know that this is how the world is intended to be. I find hope in the peace and the glory of it all, because it shows me that there is a God, and that if He cares enough to create all of this just for the sake of beauty, then He certainly cares about creating beauty through all of the pain we encounter. I find hope in knowing that God is eternal, and that He has created me to be eternal… That there is more than, and there is a purpose for, everything we deal with.”

I took another deep breath and smiled quietly, “that’s how I have hope.”

from arguing to effective

alaskabeck — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 06:34:18 +0000

Acts 15:36-41
This is the passage where Paul and Barnabas, during their missionary journey, disagree over bring John Mark along, so they end up separating. There’s a problem, and they stop working together.

I’ve never thought a whole lot about that passage, but I was reading it for my devotions the other morning, and my Bible had a question in there asking what I hear God saying from those verses. Generally, I glance at those questions and skip over them. This one seemed a little odd; I mean, it’s just a travelogue note about an arguement….. But I decided to glance back and think about it. I decided to spend a little bit of extra time here, knowing that God has a purpose in all Scripture.

Well, for one thing, God’s showing that even Paul and Barnabas, huge pillars in church history, were not perfect leaders. They still had their issues. They were human, and it wasn’t the right response, but they got in an argument, and that changed things. The great thing though, is that God didn’t isolate them. God still used and worked through each of these men in HUGE ways. Their ministries would have looked differently if they had continued to work together, but they were still effective separately.

Also, they didn’t get caught up in the disagreement. They kept serving God, and it’s not like God ingnored them until they solved their arguement and got back together. They didn’t get back together, and He still used them to have powerful ministries. This was the application most relevant to me. I have a tendency to not let go of things. I’ll hold on to the mistakes I made, and I let them get in the way of my passion for God, because I think that I won’t be effective for Him. I’ve got this junk in my life, and sometimes I’m really bad at moving on. I head God telling me through this passage to keep going, to keep pursuing Him and desiring to serve Him, and He would be there.

It’s kind of exciting when you find something unexpected in a familiar Scripture!

uncertain road

alaskabeck — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 08:15:32 +0000

I miss my Grove City College friends. I resent the fact that they’re all together down there and I’m alone up here. And I know that I should know better than to ever say this, but I am jealous of the fact that in 7 months they will all be graduating with a degree, some even with a fiance. They’ll all know what they’ll be doing with their lives. I’m jealous that they already have their career decided. I don’t usually feel like this, but I’m jealous because their roads all have labels and destinations, while mine is still so uncertain.

outside at night

alaskabeck — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 07:40:38 +0000

I just got back from a walk with my beautiful dog, Mick. I didn’t get home today until 9:30, so after eating dinner and talking to everyone, I finally decided it was time to be outside. We’re just a couple days past the full moon, so I had plenty of light without a headlamp for flashlight. I’ve been outside at night rather often recently, partly because it’s getting dark so soon already, partly because I’ve been getting home so late and have no other time to get out, and partly just because of the realization that I can.

I think that in Alaska it’s really easy to not spend much time outside when it’s dark. During the summer, it never is dark! So, you’re outside all of the time, but watching stars or the moon just isn’t an option. Then you get into fall, which really is an optimal time to get in some star gazing and night appreciation, but I think the transition is too short, and we’re all too nervous about what’s coming next to really enjoy it. Up here, I think we associate darkness very directly to winter, and therefore, dark is associated with being very cold.

I’ll never forget the first time that I realized I had that mindset. I was going to college down in Pennsylvania, and every time I went somewhere in the evening, I would put on a sweatshirt or jacket, which I almost always took off pretty quickly. Finally, one night, my roommate from sunny California looked at me and asked, “you haven’t worn a coat all day; why are you putting one on now? Do you think it’s cold or something?” I thought about it; then answered her puzzled look with “well, no….. it’s not cold.” There was a pause, then I started to laugh as I thought through what I was doing. Then I explained to her that, in Alaska, if it’s dakr, it’s also quite cold! I was relieved when I came home for Christmas and found out that I was not the only Alaskan freshman to indentify that mindset.

So, I don’t think that we spend a lot of time outside in the dark. I kind of miss going out for a walk or a run late at night. When I was at school, I often found that getting out in the evening was the only way for me to have any time alone. A night time walk became my preferred time for prayer and refocusing. I think that I’d forgotten about that aspect of life, and recently, I’ve really enjoyed incorporating it more into my life. With the busy schedule I’ve had, it’s very relaxing. Also, so far it hasn’t gotten too cold.

On another note, I am finally an ETT (Emergency Trauma Technician)! The training course had consumed all of my free time for the last three weeks, so it is refreshing to be done with it. It is also very exciting to finally be certified as an ETt. It’s been a goal of mine for at least 6 years, but it never worked out for me to follow through. I passed the test this evening, and it felt so good to be successfully done with that. Hopefully now I’ll have a little more time for writing; I’ve missed my journal recently!

Strelna

alaskabeck — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 07:06:18 +0000

Crisp September afternoon.
White mountains stand before
piercing blue sky. A light breeze
giving inspiration to soft water all around.

Our canoe is bright red.
Sparkling water gently nudges it
and we float slowly
on an endless lake of peace.

She sits across from me,
feet hanging over canoe’s edge,
holding an unsuccessful fishing pole,
and I read outloud of Tolkien’s world.

Perfect friendship;
our escape from time,
and the world is wrapped around us.
We said “pause”; it obeyed.

Crisp September afternoon.
White mountains stand before
piercing blue sky. A light breeze
giving inspiration to soft water all around.

seasons & change

alaskabeck — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 05:26:21 +0000

There’s a little bit of snow on the ground. All the lakes have a layer of ice over them. The air is cold and the trees are dull. Fall was too short. Summer was too short, and already too long ago. Winter will be too long. And spring is so very far away. I’m still treasuring that one beautiful hiking day in September; going up 5 Mile all alone and experiencing such perfection. I’m still thinking back to some rock climbing memories; wishing that they could have lasted longer.

Now, as I sit here, drinking my latte for another 20 minutes of peaceful freedom from my crazy schedule of classes, work and church, I’m thinking back to August, and it makes me realize what an awesome month that really was. I was spontaneous; I was outside as much as possible; I was getting a lot of reading done. I had gotten home from a month of visiting friends on the East Coast; my good friend Tess had been here for a week, and I was finally settling down after spending so much amazing time with my good friends everywhere. I had gone backpacking for three days by myself; I was finally falling into a consistent running schedule. I started spending time with this great guy, and it was so fun. It was so good to feel beautiful and special; it was so good to have someone help me learn how to rock climb, and someone to talk with about life and issues and problems. I was busy, but not tied down to an every day systematic schedule. It was a very wonderful month.

Then school started. Summer seemed to abruptly end as rain settled in. Every weekend was cloudy, the air got cooler, and almost every day that the sun did decide to show up, I had to be inside. The boy went down to Valdez for college, saying that he would be back on weekends and that he would call me. He never did though.

Fall came, and things changed, and I had to say goodbye to the way I had lived for an amazing summer. I also had to say goodbye to a relationship that had just started, and had confusingly come to a quick end. I didn’t feel ready for either change, and I didn’t want change to come, but neither could I do anything to make it stop. So I prayed about it, and I told God that I would trust His timing. I told God that I was thankful He loved me.

Finally, in mid-September, God gave me the sunny Saturday I had been asking for. That was the day I went up 5 Mile, up in the mountains to where it had already snowed. I enjoyed the gorgeous fall colors; I soaked in the incredible silence; I experienced the fresh cool air; I accepted the sparkling snow. I talked to God and to myself. I internalized that feeling of freedom and independence. Then it was okay that fall was here.

The next weekend I ran to Chitina (17 miles), finally accomplishing a goal I had made the year before. At that point, I was at peace with all of the changes. I was satisfied with reaching my goal. I had spent three hours, alone, running through beautiful scenery that boldly displayed God’s perfection. Again, God had given me blue sky and sunshine just when I needed it. I smiled for most of my run. I stopped and twirled three times. The last two miles were extremely hard, but I pushed myself, and I did it. Three hours, again internalizing freedom, independence, and God’s greatness. I was exhausted and excited, and I had accomplished something very important to me. At that point, it was okay for winter to come.

It did come. Less than a week after my run, I looked out my window and realized that fall was over. There wasn’t snow yet, but the leaves were gone; we had entered the grey season. We haven’t moved out of the grey season yet. More snow needs to come before that will happen. It isn’t a time of year that I particularly like, but it hasn’t bothered me too much. I feel peaceful.

I think the change of seasons has been more symbolic to me this year then ever before. I feel like I’ve fully experienced it, physically and mentally in a huge circumference of emotions. I think that it has been very helpful to work through my emotions with nature’s visual aids all around me. I felt like summer should have been longer; I felt like my relationship should have been longer. Now, it’s okay. Still a little hard, but I’ve let the change come. I am peaceful.